Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Timescanner vs. The JLA

Within his own time stream The Timescanner can see 30 Seconds into the future, which is a superpower that sometimes sounds unimpressive.

It makes him a great sidekick for super speed superheroes. 30 Seconds can be a lifetime for The Flash or Superman.

The Timescanner cannot save the world or fight crime all by himself, but he is a valuable member a Superhero Team as a temporal lookout.

The Timescanner has yelled "DUCK!" or "ON YOUR LEFT!" at every major superhero. Helpful, but he will never win a medal.

The Timescanner isn't a member of The Justice League or The Avengers, but he has been contracted as an hourly consultant for both.

The Justice League once approached The Timescanner to be a full time member, but he could not commit to the hours or agree to be on call 24/7.

The Timescanner is a single father.

The Timescanner tried to explain to Batman that he can only save the world every other weekend when his son is at his mother's house.

Wonder Woman keeps subtly insinuating that The Timescanner's son would be better off being raised by a woman.

The Timescanner had to call in to the JLA during the Rann/Thanagar war because his son had the chickenpox. Hawkman hasn't looked him in the eye since.

Green Lantern keeps asking The Timescanner if he's "gotten any pussy lately". The Timescanner winces and explains he has no time, money, or energy left for dating after parenting, heroing, and working a day job.

The Flash explains, "Look, we know your kid needs you, Timescanner, but you could be doing so much more with your life..."

The Timescanner feels like he is letting everyone down all the time.

The Timescanner often wishes being a great dad was his only superpower so he would never feel the pressure of his lost potential.

Wonder Woman tells Timescanner to buck up. Single mothers do it all the time. "And how many of them think it is easy? The Timescanner replies under his breath.

Once, when Timescanner tried to apologize to Superman, Supes interrupted to say, "you remind me of both my Ma and my Pa. Just do what you gotta do." and flew off.

The Timescanner has a small, noisy apartment he facetiously calls the Fortress of Solitude. It is more of a phone booth.

When not saving the world, The Timescanner falls asleep reading Tintin comics in his son's bunk bed every night at 8pm.

During Brainiac's latest attack on Metropolis, The Timescanner had to cut out early as the sun came up Monday Morning so he could make it to a Parent Teacher conference.

The Timescanner's son suspects his dad's superhero tales are bedtime stories.

The Timescanner tells Son of Timescanner, "What I do when you and I are apart doesn't matter. This time with us together is my real purpose."

Monday, February 25, 2013

Instrution Manual for Emotions

Instruction Manual for Emotions:

1. Emotions are a sword you can only learn how to wield through error.

2. Slice yourself to ribbons, die, be reborn stronger, repeat as needed.

3. Once you’ve died a bunch you will realize you’ll always be reborn.  This gives you confidence in your abilities. (not only to avoid death, but also to die gracefully.)*

4. After enough Emotion Deaths you will be an Invincible Emotion Ninja.*

     *Notes: You are the only ninja with a killing sword. Only your own blade can harm you.
                  You are always in control. The sword is never in control of you.

Common Mistakes:
These are the three common mistakes in training to be an Emotion Ninja:

1. Fear the blade and refuse to touch it.

2. Give up before you become a master

3. Throw yourself onto your own blade.

Avoid these three pitfalls and continue on with the steps above and you cannot fail.

(Imagine simple illustrations of IKEA cartoon gentlemen with severed limbs, rising again from pools of their own blood.)

Friday, February 22, 2013

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Alternate Universe Financial Crisis #379

There is an alternate universe where hyperinflation has rendered the US dollar worthless, but he demand for limited edition Beanie Babies has continued to rise since the mid 90's. Instead of wallets, people carry around backpacks filled with plush animal friends to barter with.

Every transaction is a sentimental goodbye. "Goodbye, Lucky Pup. I wish you could come live with your brothers and sisters and I in the mansion you afforded us."

In this universe your Aunt Beth is living like Donald Fucking Trump.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Consequences Of The Multiverse on a Marriage

Waking James was faithful to a fault while Dream James was a cold philanderer. Sweet and timid by day, cruel and blunt by night. Dream James would fuck Hillary's co-workers and sisters, mentors and students all right in front of her before admitting to her what a lousy lay she had always been.

These were not James' dreams. They were Hillary's.

James was the perfect man and, as such, she felt as though she had no grounds on which to divorce him. Her unconscious tried and tried to convince her that he was too good to be true. That he must be hiding a double life.

She felt guilty for wanting out of a happy marriage. Wanting out tormented her. His goodness was reinforced. Her badness was reinforced. It was a feedback loop that resulted in the disintegration of her self-worth. She became a bad woman who did not deserve her good man.

One December afternoon she invited Mr. Pham, the mailman into their house to warm up. She made him hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows. Before the marshmallows had melted she had already slipped his navy blue work pants around his ankles, lifted her flowered skirt and slipped him inside of her. They were done fucking before their drinks were cool.

Hillary poured his hot chocolate into a plastic solo cup, tried to lift his mailbag back over his shoulder, and shooed Mr. Pham out the front door.

When James got home from work he found a good portion of his wife's possessions were missing and two notes were waiting for him under fridge magnets.

The first one said, "Dear James, I've been bad."

The second letter: "Dear Other James, You had it coming."

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


Archaeologists recently discovered a straight line of slain Mammoth skulls from the Norwegian Sea, through England, France and Spain, continuing on the other side of the Mediterranean all the way down to Ghana. The placing of the skulls dates back to the Holocene and it perfectly traces what is now the Greenwich Meridian.

A team has been dispatched to investigate. The subject of their investigation: how long has an idea existed?